To End It All

To end it all

In high school I experienced the highs of highs and the lows of lows.  My public life was an escape from the isolation I felt at home.  Art, handsome and adorable, was a panacea for my hurting soul.  However, the burdens of the loveless years, the sense of desertion and futility were taking over.  I failed at winning my parents love.  The continued abuse and feeling of aloneness and despair accumulated and became too much. I tried to end it all and drank some poison.

When the moment comes, its really amazing how easy it is.  There doesn’t seem to be any other decision that makes as much sense or that is so easy.  Karen helped but I didn’t need it.  She jeered, ‘Oh, you’re too chicken. You’ll never drink that’.  And when I did, I don’t remember her saying another word to me or anyone else.  It’s as if she were waiting in the sidelines or hiding back stage, observing.

At school the next day I was at the nurse’s office writhing in pain. [In those days they had a school nurse who wore a little white nurse hat on top of her head. I vividly remember when it was my turn. We were lined up in the hall outside the nurse’s office.  When I went in, the door was left ajar and I felt eyes on my back.  I was very hesitant to say anything because of the audience at the door, so I said nothing.  

She put me in a room and called my mother who came and took me to the hospital.  There, the doctors treated me for a kidney stone and wouldn’t release me for 5 days.  I was crazy with anxiety to see Art, so I insisted on leaving on day 6. I had no further health repercussions from this attempt.

As awful as this desperation sounds, I realized as an adult, that I was a strong person in the making under the hand of my father.  “The test of fire makes strong steel’   I realized that all my hardships make this true for me.  All these experiences formed me.  I learned to deal with my sensitivities.  I learned compassion for those suffering. I learned to face my demons, not run from them. I learned to understand suicide.  So, in the end, I had a lot to thank my dad for.